Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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