theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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