I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
