Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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