The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize