She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
