chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
