the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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