Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
