i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
