Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
