Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
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