But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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