2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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