I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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