as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
