so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
