Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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