i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
