my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
