Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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