RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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