'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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