a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
