our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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