we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
