He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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