she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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