I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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