that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
