Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
