nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
