I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
