I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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