genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize