I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
