All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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