I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
