I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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