I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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