Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
