every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
