Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
