have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
