Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
