i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
