the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
