My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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