the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
