I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
