Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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