Little spoons don't ask big questions
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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