I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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