please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
