if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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