Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
