I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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