Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
