I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
