I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
