I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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