my phone needs a breathalizer
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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