Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
