I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
