why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think my moral compass just broke
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