I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
